The DEI double bind: how to advocate for change without becoming the change department

It always starts the same way.

You speak up in a meeting; maybe about hiring, maybe about a marketing campaign that doesn’t quite land right. You mention inclusion, representation, or accessibility. Heads nod. Someone says, “That’s a great point, maybe you could lead a small working group on that?”

Congratulations. You’ve just been promoted to the unpaid DEI department.

When caring becomes a job description

It’s a dynamic many of us know well. You care about people, you believe in fairness, you want your workplace to feel like somewhere everyone can belong. But somewhere between raising a concern and making a plan, the responsibility quietly lands in your lap and often without resources, support, or even recognition.

This happens for a few reasons. Most companies treat DEI as an initiative, not infrastructure. It’s something to “do” rather than something to build into the system.

And when it’s everyone’s responsibility, it often becomes no one’s priority.

So the people who care the most, usually those from underrepresented backgrounds or those with high empathy, end up carrying the emotional and logistical labor of progress. We call it passion. But really, it’s unpaid strategy work.

The representation tax

There’s a name for this: the representation tax. It’s the invisible price of being the one who notices.

If you’re the only woman, the only person of color, or the only neurodivergent person in the room, you’re expected to speak for your group and fix the issues that affect it. You become both the example and the educator. And while your company celebrates your “leadership,” you’re spending your evenings rewriting policy decks that were never part of your job description.

Advocacy becomes emotional labor disguised as initiative.

Why it sticks and how to break the pattern

The problem isn’t the advocacy itself, but more so where it lives.

DEI work sticks to individuals because it’s not anchored to metrics or leadership accountability. It’s treated like charity work; something noble, optional, and separate from performance or profit. But if you’ve ever tried to make real change from the middle, you know it doesn’t scale without buy-in from the top.

So, how do you talk about DEI with your superiors without accidentally signing yourself up to run it?

Reframing the conversation

1. Tie it to business, not benevolence.Instead of “We should be doing more for diversity,” try “Here’s how this helps us attract talent and connect with our audience.”You’re not asking for a favor, you’re identifying a growth opportunity.

2. Use ‘we’ language.Shift the work from you to us. “We could review our recruitment partners for broader reach,”instead of “I can look into that.”

It subtly signals shared ownership.

3. Ask accountability questions.When DEI ideas come up, ask:

“Who owns this goal today?”, “What’s the timeline or metric for progress?” These questions move the topic from conversation to commitment.

4. Set boundaries early.You can be an advocate without being the architect. Suggest rotating task forces, or ensure DEI contributions are built into workload planning and recognition systems. Passion doesn’t have to mean self-sacrifice.

A challenge to leadership

If you’re in a leadership position and you recognize yourself in this story, good.

Because when someone brings up DEI, they’re offering you a chance to strengthen your business, your team, and your credibility. But if you praise their passion without resourcing the work, you’re not empowering them, you’re exploiting them.

DEI should live where the power is: in leadership, strategy, and metrics. That’s where it can actually change outcomes.

Caring without carrying

Caring isn’t the problem. Carrying it alone is.

If we want workplaces that truly value inclusion, we have to stop treating it as an extracurricular activity. The goal isn’t to make fewer people care, but to make more people responsible.

So speak up, absolutely. Keep raising the good questions. But remember: you don’t have to hold the whole system on your back to make it better.